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i'm not a very religious person. i always considered myself more traditional than religious. i always thought i'd go through life that way. when asked my religion, i would usually feel a small jolt inside- as if i weren't sure whether to be insulted or not. it's safe to say that i was more or less conditioned by those around me growing up to feel disgust toward those people who were religious, those who attended church, those who preached about God. it's also safe to say that most people i knew who were religious always tried to convert me, shoving their thoughts and beliefs down my throat, trying to force me to believe as they did. i always wondered "how can they believe what they're saying. do they really believe it?" how could it possibly be true? how could there really be a god? it's hard to vocalize the thoughts that ran through my head when i didn't understand half of what i was asking.

i felt that you had to accept all that you were told, all the bible says, to be truly religious. that it was all or nothing and i always felt resentful that so many other people could so easily do that and i couldn't because i didn't believe all that the bible says. i wouldn't have been able to live with myself being that kind of hypocrite. pretending to believe when really i didn't. i wanted to believe in a god but found myself leaning more towards reincarnation, evolution, anything else.

then two years ago, johnathan and i went through a very difficult and trying time. we were both pretty unsteady, and as corney as it sounds, lost. those were dark days, months. some things became clearer, while most were rendered murky.

questions plagued me that weren't necessarily about death; "where do we go from here? is there more? why, why, why?" i struggled with everything in my life during this time. i found what i needed but only after my soul was stripped bare and i truly saw myself, saw the world- the universe. it's not empty, it had always been filled. i walked away a better person with deeper beliefs. i don't flaunt my beliefs because they mean too much to me, they're too true to me. i worked too hard for them, went through too much to reach that understanding to treat it as so much literature.

today, i was given a prayer device by a very good friend. it amazes me that i've come so far. that i can view this as a gift rather than an insult or a tool as i once would have looked at it. this was given with the best and purest intentions. that he would give me something that obviously means so much to him in the hopes that it would help me, however small, in what i'm struggling with now blows me away.

so no, i'm not trying to convert you. i only hope you find what you need in your life that satisfies you, keeps you content, gives you a purpose, or even offers you comfort when you're in need.