59/365

so, as i come to a close on the last two years of my life, i'm a lot sad. not because i'll be leaving but because i stayed for so long. i was a victim for so long. it was abuse- the bullying, gaslighting, nitpicking, agressive and hostile treatment. it got pretty bad at times but i stayed anyway.

if it was my spouse i was talking about, everyone would be trying constantly to get me to leave, to seek counseling, to go to a women's shelter, to get help. what happens when it's your boss that's been abusing you. oh not physically, no. but every other way possible. and how can it not manifest itself physically? your health cant help but suffer. everything suffers.

i feel so battered and beat down. i felt subservient, a person whose opinion did not matter, who was constantly at fault and in the wrong. everytime my name was spoken, my stomach clenched and my body was wracked with tension. i sat at my desk in a near constant state of intense anxiety. i cried at nights because i didnt want to go to work. i was sick to my stomach and got stomach aches on the way to work.

the sad part is, i actually really enjoyed my job. but i got no credit and was blamed for everything. but i felt like i deserved it all, that it was all my fault. that the criticism i received, no matter how unrealistic or unfair, was deserved. that the mental abuse i was going through was really my fault. maybe if i had done the task quicker, or neater, or read her mind, then maybe i would have received, if not praise, then an acknowledgment of a job well done. it was a good day for me when the work i did was not commented upon. those were rare days.

but i talk about the abuse as it really is, as i experience and experienced it at the hands of my boss and no one is rushing to my rescue. how is that?

i've been told i'm not the same person i was when i first started this job. i dont want to be a victim anymore. today's picture is broken glass. i feel so fragile right now, it could go either way- i could come through intact, or i can shatter. i feel like i'm grasping at a lifeline right now and my hands are slipping. i have to hang on just a little while longer until i can get out.