114/365

so we got a kitty (okay, i stole the kitty) from my mom. he's sooo cute. his name is "kitty" =)

anyway, when we first got him, roxy was like terrified of him. she's calming down a little bit around the kitty, getting used to him. anyway, roxy was chewing on her bone and kitty was getting ready to spring on her when i snapped this picture. poor roxy didn't know what hit her!

113/365

i woke up this morning and there were flowers and a card from johnathan. =)

112/365

we went up to the mountaing yesterday for my mom's birthday for a cookout. my sister, anne, and her family are back and we haven't had family pictures with the entire family in over ten years.

so we had it all planned out, who was bringing what. my older brother didn't show up. drama between him and his wife. that sucked, and i was a little annoyed by it but we still did family pictures and cannot wait to see them!

anyway, someone was suppose to pack the candles and didnt so we ended up using some pine needles for my mom's cake.

111/365

my sisters and their families came by the other day to hang out for a little bit and go to dinner. the baby was playing with the dog. she's only 6 months old and she was yanking and pulling on roxy's hair. roxy is such a good girl that she didnt snap or anything. she just endured.

110/365

so my older brother called me today and had me check out some thing listed on craigs list. someone was selling a swamp cooler for $160 and he wanted me to check it out to see if it was worth it since they dont have an a/c in their house. he said they had to cut their little boy's hair cuz it was too hot and their other baby (my sister-in-law is pregnant again) was roasting in the oven.

i tried calling and didnt get an answer until later on in the evening. they said they were home and they hadnt sold the swamp cooler yet. so we (meaning me, johanthan, and roxy) jumped in the truck and headed straight over there. it was a brand new, never used swamp cooler. good deal.

anyway, i snapped this pic with my camera phone while we were cruising back. i hate the poor quality but the dog is great.

109/365

i love stopping at the humane society thrift store in durango cuz i'm usually lucky enough to go when they're books are half off. so i usually get paperbacks for like 50 cents.

alot of the time, all they have is mostly junk. every once in a while i'll come across something that i can't believe someone threw away.

108/365

so i was on my way home from class when i happened to glance over and see this beautiful, classy jaguar for sale. oh my god.

i'm in love.

107/365

johnathan and i went for a walk to safeway to take a movie back the other evening. close to the library is a field that usually has two donkeys in it. of course, everytime we walk by johnathan has to say "donkey" like shrek.

anyway, there were all these goats. and most of them were climbing on this aluminum shade thing.

106/365

i dont know what it is about these old vehicles. something old fashioned, a different time in so many ways. something a little sad about it getting left behind while technology and humans move forward so fast onto bigger, better things. we always seem to move onto bigger and better things while leaving so much behind without a thought.

that's a sad thought. or maybe i'm just feeling a little melancholy.

105/365

i've been so happy lately, i can't even begin to describe. see the little frog queen? that's exactly how i feel.

no words necessary.

104/365

i helped shoot a wedding the other day. this is probably one of my favorite ones. not much on narrative today. bleh.

103/365

june 18, 2010.

our five year anniversary.

i love him more today than the day i married him.

he's everything to me.

♥

102/365

so, again, i got out of class early and was headed home when i saw a huge sign that said "yard sale". how was i to resist?

followed all the signs to the place. mostly, all they had were little girl clothes and some old ratty shoes. but i did find a couple of little girl tutu's. mind you, i know i can't fit into them but i figured i could use it as a prop when i'm taking little girl portraits.

the best part? i got it for a buck. one dollar. i rock. :)

101/365

it seems like there are "antiques & uniques" stores opening up all over the place. there are like 3 in aztec, two on the way to farmington, and a few in farmington.

anyway, i got out early from class the other day and decided to stop at this store on the way home. there were a few things that i really liked and wanted to take home but i wasn't willing to spend what they were asking for.

this was one of them. i was just wondering along, minding my own business, when the words "radio flyer" caught my eye. then i saw what was attached to it.

a rocking horse?

a radio flyer rocking horse. huh. found that kind of interesting. a little ironic also. but still super cute. i showed johnathan the picture later and he said i should have gotten it. oh well. it was probably over priced anyways.

100/365

holy cow! i'm on day 100. only 265 more days left on my project.

i feel so much better since i've left. i've had many people tell me that i look better now than i did when i was still working up there. i feel more relaxed and happy again.

i've pretty much neglected my make up bag the past couple of weeks. i haven't put on any make up aside from curling my eye lashes. i'm getting comfortable with myself again. getting confidence in myself back. this, to me, is the first real sign that i'm coming back into myself. not to say that i'll never wear make-up again or that i don't like it. but just that it became something it shouldn't be to a woman- a mask. for me, i couldn't face the day without a thick layer on. i felt naked, vulnerable when i didn't wear it. too vulnerable, in fact, that i wouldn't go anywhere without it and if i happened to forget a step, i freaked out.

anyway. here's to another step.

99/365

the back of johnathan's truck.

is there a harder working man anywhere else? i think not.

98/365

like i mentioned before, out neighbor has all these cool machines on his property. we went for a walk and he was grading the road. his old tractor was just the coolest thing. he also gave me unlimited access to his property so i could take pics of anything i wanted. :)

97/365

went yard sale hopping today. holy moly there were a lot of yard sales going on. i actually found quite a few good stuff for really good prices. so i had a variety of things to choose from for my pic of the day today.

i chose this cuz it was $3. okay, seriously? $3? yup.
three bucks.
3 dollars.
12 quarters.

96/365

i went by the library to pick up a book and they had just gotten done judging "chalk art". i guess it was a regional thing that included the aztec, bloomfield, shiprock, and farmington public libraries.

there were some really awesome ones at this library but this one was my favorite. i tried to do it justice when i took the pic but there's nothing like seeing it live. it was so bright and vibrant.

95/365

so johnathan's been working in aztec for the past couple of weeks. working on two different jobs at the same time- running both jobs.

it's nice having him so close to home. i see him at lunch on the days i don't have class. i miss him like crazy even though he's seriously less than two minutes away.

94/365

first week of classes. it feel SO good!!

i have a test today so i ended up studying all evening. there's just one concept that i cant wrap my head around so i'm going up to the college early to either get some more help from the professor or study with some other people.

93/365

i'm trying to keep from gaining weight but i'm not having much success. most of it is due in part to the stupid oreo cookie blizzard. i found out that mcdonald's does a version of dairy queen's blizzard only it's called a mcflurry. it's still just as delicious but ten times cheaper.

so although i've sworn off fast food, i've been going to mcdonald's like crazy for the oreo mcflurry. over the weekend, i came to the realization that i could make them myself at home whenever i wanted. so we got ice cream and oreo cookies and broke out the blender.

mmmmm... so yummy.

but i have been gaining weight, so after the supplies runs out, that's it for a while. i need to strengthen my willpower cuz i don't want to be humongous again like i was the beginning of last year.

92/365

started summer school classes today. wow. i'm really a student again. i didnt really hit me until i went into one of the buildings where my class was held. as i was walking up the stairs, i took a deep breath and it was like... i can't even describe it. a welcoming, a weight being lifted, nerves settling in my stomach, feeling a little lost, wondering if i made the right decision.

am i too old to be starting over? i feel so old sometimes. am i being selfish? i question myself about school now but i can't make myself regret the decision to go back.

91/365

my mountain man heading out of colorado. see the little bike in the back? was gonna make him ride it down wolf creek pass if he didn't stop looking so fierce in my pictures.

90/365

so the town we stayed in was called cripple creek. it was a crazy little town. i guess it used to be a gold mining town (and still is, i guess) with upwards of about 45,000 people. now it's a tiny little town with a mainstreet that's the old western style buildings. the catch: all the buildings are nothing but casinos.

anyway, there were a few abandoned buildings around town. i decided to take pics of cardo and his girlfriend diedra around town. i stumbled across this building when the place i originally wanted to take pics at had horrible horrible lighting at that time.

i ventured away from my really pose-y stuff this time. i felt the setting just wasn't right and i felt like experimenting. really really pleased with the results.

nothing like young love. my dad says you can love just as deeply at 16 as you can at 62.

89/365

so one of the reasons we went up to colorado besides the family reunion, was for george (my dad's younger brother) and joan's (george's wife) 50th wedding anniversary.

they had a big party and everyone was invited. george truck drove for a good portion of their marriage. there's some people, i think, who survive marriage because of the strength of their love. then i think there are other people who survive marriage by lots of hard ass work.

not to sound disparaging, but i think george and joan fall into the latter category. they don't seem like a great love story. in fact, i get the feeling that that faded a long time ago. not the love, per say, but the romantic love. i think what they have with each other now is more like friendship. you should have friendship but i think more needs to survive also.

aww well. 50 years. that's a heck of a long time. they're still together so who am i to analyze their relationship?

88/365

my little brother is growing up! i catch glimpses of him from when he was a little boy. mostly, he looks like my older brother and some of my cousins on my mom's side. a lot like one of my uncles. mostly like my older brother though. yup, they inherited that from my mom.

it's crazy. we went up to colorado for a family reunion on my dad's side. my cousin brothers- wow. there's so much resemblence between my dad and his brothers, his dad, their sons... it's way crazy. they all look so much alike. one of them was an exact replica of one of my other brothers (my dad's other older sons) that it was uncanny.

well, i'm glad to say that cardo took after my mom's side. my dad and his brothers were pretty good looking men in their day but they sure don't age too well.

87/365

86/365

do you ever get these intense feelings of nostalgia? or maybe it's yearning...? itwhatever it is, i get them every once in a while. not really for anything that i've experienced in this past. maybe for something in another life.

what did i do in my other lives? who was i? was i essentially the same person i am now? or was i stronger, less naive, stood up for myself when push came to shove?

if there's one thing i'm ashamed of in this life, it's how i've allowed others to treat me. how weak and ineffectual i am. i never thought about it before. coming out of the bad situation, i question myself. deeply question who i am. am i really the door mat, the person everyone bullies, the one they beat down (or the one who allows themselves to be beaten down) and gets taken advantage of? it's sad to say but i think i am, or may have been all along, or had the potential of being.

it's funny because i remember when i was younger i used to claim to be so strong. i had no idea what the hell i was talking about. i'd never been tested for that strength before so what did i know?

i left the situation but i feel as if i left cowed, crippled, crushed. i may have walked away but my dignity is in shreds. am i always going to question myself like this? it's a hard lesson to learn; people treat you the way you let them treat you. but i look around myself and realize that there are still people in my life who almost run my life- they have so much power over me. it's demoralizing to wonder if it's always going to be like this, to wonder if it's me- ME. do i invite this treatment somehow? are people always going to treat me like this? am i always going to let peopel walk all over me?

the answer would probably be an easy one- or an easy one to say- "no". but when push comes to shove, what will really happen? and that's the answer i'm consciously afraid of because it might not be the easy answer.

so perhaps the nostalgia is of me in another life. stronger.